


The Things He Said To Me

by sawesome19



Category: One Direction (Band)
Genre: !!slurs and vulgar language!!, Alternate Universe - College/University, Anxiety Disorder, Anxious Harry, Blow Jobs, Bottom Harry, Depressed Harry, Eating Disorders, Feminine Harry, First Times, Flower Child Harry Styles, Hand Jobs, Hurt/Comfort, Insecure Harry, Internalized Homophobia, Louis/Harry - Freeform, M/M, Major triggers, Minor Zayn Malik/Liam Payne, Repressed Feelings, Self-Harming Harry, Self-Hatred, Smut, Top Louis, boys making out, distorted body image, fluff that is so insanely fluffy, frat boys louis, frat boys zayn and niall, gay panic/realization, graphic self harm/blood, harry and liam are roomates, harry just wants to be skinny and pretty, harry paints his naills, louis a fuckboy with a big heart, louis thinks hes pretty, o geez here we go, out and proud louis, showering and bathing together, this won't be too bad, very much not harry, zayn and louis and niall are roomates
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-12-17
Updated: 2021-01-15
Packaged: 2021-03-11 04:28:38
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 3,432
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28119219
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/sawesome19/pseuds/sawesome19
Summary: The one where Harry just wants to be pretty, but knows he'll never be good enough, and Louis is a reckless frat boy, who wants this boy to realize just how beautiful he already is.orA classic university AU, where two boys find a home in each otherTW: self harm, self hatred, eating disorder, depression, anxiety
Relationships: Harry Styles/Louis Tomlinson, Niall Horan/Original Female Character(s), Zayn Malik/Liam Payne
Comments: 8
Kudos: 52





	1. New Beginnings

**Author's Note:**

> !!disclaimer!!: this is an entirely fictional story. in no way am i claiming that any of this happened in real life nor has any correlation to harry/louis lives. the characters are made up, and any resemblance they show to the real people besides their names and appearance is entirely coincidental. i do not claim that harry and louis ever were and/or will ever be in a romantic relationship, this is strictly fiction. i also do not claim to have any ownership over one direction or it’s members. enjoy the story!!!
> 
> hi guys. this is a story about me. i deal with the same things harry is going through in this story, and wanted to write something to help me cope, that hopefully, other people will enjoy reading. i know that hurt/comfort fics are the best but PLEASE, if you are triggered by some of the topics in this story, do not read. i know that i sometimes seek out fics specifically to trigger me, and i never want to be the shovel you use to dig yourself deeper. so if this applies to you, please leave this fic!
> 
> if not, obviously, happy reading! also btw, i am only 14, so i don't feel at all comfortable writing detailed smut. but, it will still included because (duh) it's a crucial part of most relationships. so don't worry, you'll be satisfied, i'm just pointing out that this will be a story, and not a pwp :)
> 
> PSA: I want to make it explicit that many parts of this story, as well as things i may write in the authors note will be triggering, i will always put a TW, but I am not responsible for your triggers once you continue the story!!

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> this is a practice chapter. the chapters will be a large deal longer than this, and the pov will switch!!!

It’s not like Louis necessarily hates relationships, he just thinks they're kinda useless. Whats the point of pouring your heart and soul into another person, when you really have no idea whether theyre gonna fuck you over or not. He’s also fully aware how much of a cliche he is, the bad boy in frat whose dad left him and is now scared of love. To be quite frank, he doesn’t really care. Life is good.

What is objectively not good, is the girl lying in his bed, wearing only her underwear. Now he  _ would _ be ecstatic to find a gorgeous blond asleep next to him, if it wasn’t for the fact that he was 110% gay. So on the contrary, he is extremely alarmed. Or actually, pissed off.

He quickly dresses, brushing his teeth and then storming into the kitchen, where he finds his flatmate, and best friend Niall.

“Niall I swear to god if you left on of your one night stands to fend for herself and she ended up sleeping in  _ my  _ -”

“Lou, dude, chill, I didn’t have anyone over last night. What are you raving about?” Niall backs away, hands up by his head.

“There is a very naked lady in my bed Niall! Explain.” 

“Sorry Louis, she’s not mine…” Niall says, giggling way too much.

“Well  _ I  _ didn’t sleep with her, so what the hell is she doing in my bed?!” More muffled giggling. “Oh my god, did I? I wouldn’t, right. Right, Niall?” He was drunk, but he wasn’t that drunk. He definitely remembers arriving at the bar. At some point he was flirting with the bartender. The rest is a blur. This is very not good. Louis knows that he’s never slept with a woman, and he doesn’t plan on starting today. As he’s pondering the possible loss of his lady sex virgin-ness, the incessant pounding in his head gets a few notches louder and is threatening to pound his brains out through his skull.

“Grab me an Advil, will you mate.” He says to Niall, grabbing a hoodie laying on the couch, and heading back into his room, where the pretty girl from last night is already dressed, and grabbing her purse too leave

“Um, hi….”  _ Shit. He has no idea what her name is. _

“Liv” she says, saving him.

“Erm, hi Liv” He says awkwardly, not really sure how to hold himself. Normally he’s quite cocky, but the  _ woman  _ standing in his bedroom has put a damper on his self-confidence. He decides to just be blunt. “Did we, um, well you know…” He says trailing off.

Liv giggles. “No. We  _ were _ making out, but you started laughing, going on about how funny it was that you were kissing a girl, considering you were gay, which put an end to the kissing.” She pauses. “You seemed to find it hysterical.” She says, smirking. “But we ended up falling asleep, and I was planning on leaving before you woke up, but well, you know.”

Louis breathes an internal sigh of relief. “Oh. Well okay. Sorry about the whole gay thing. I was like, really drunk”

“Hey, no hard feelings” Liv says, simultaneously waving goodbye. He hears the door slam a second later, and heads back into the kitchen.

He finds Niall sitting at the table, with a stupid little smirk on his face. “Dude, I can not believe you almost slept with a girl.”

“Yeah yeah Niall, you're hilarious.” He retorts, starting to make himself a cuppa. He’s three weeks into third year and fully relying on tea to keep him alive. It's certainly not healthy, but also not really his concern.

“Listen, mate, I gotta go. Psychology is kicking my butt, and I didn’t even attend the first two lessons.” Louis says to Niall, grabbing his backpack, and stuffing a piece of toast in his mouth.

Him and Niall live in an apartment on campus, only a short walk away from his first lecture, which he guesses is god's way of making up for whatever fucking idiot decided a 7:30 AM physcology class was a good idea. It’s just starting to drizzle as he jogs the last few steps to the door, catching it as it closes. He takes the stairs two at a time, making it into class just before the professor arrives.


	2. And You Are?

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> !TW! Self- Harm.  
> My therapist/life coach/ learning specialist says I should be productive, so here's another chapter babes. Also my mom is British, but I am not, so I will try my best with the vocab :)
> 
> Also this is my first ever fic, so I'm working up to writing longer and longer chapters. Bare with me.

Harry really shouldn’t be surprised. It’s not like he expected uni to be this magical place where everyone is happy and no one gets judged, but he may have secretly been holding out hope that all his problems will have been solved as soon as he got out of Holmes Chapel. Instead he’s sitting in the back of his psychology lecture hall with bright red cheeks and heaving breaths.  _ Everyone thinks you're weird, they know you're a freak. They’re all looking at you. _ His leg is bouncing harshly, and he's getting dirty looks from the group of girls in front of him, which only makes it harder to breathe. He  _ can’t  _ breathe.

**~~**

Louis makes it into his psych class just as the professor is starting the lecture. He’s breathing a little heavy when busts through the door, and few heads turn.  _ I need to get back to the gym. _ He thinks, jogging down the stairs, and plopping in chair 5 rows from the back of the classroom. He’s sure he looks more than a little disheveled, and when he swings his bookbag off his shoulder, he hits the kid sitting next to him. The freshman, by the looks of it, visibly flinches.

“Oh shit, sorry mate. You okay?” Louis asks. The kid is buried in his notebook, curly hair flying all over the side of his face. Louis loves curly hair. 

He looks up with wide eyes and gives a curt nod, and  _ holy shit,  _ this boy is beautiful. He has to be a boy, he looks no older than 16. He’s skinny, with bright green eyes, and soft looking pink lips. His gaze lingers on Louis' face for a split second, before he whips his head back to his notes and begins scribbling furiously. 

_ Okay…  _ Louis thinks,  _ beautiful but weird.  _

The boy really doesn’t look good. His breath is coming out in quiet, but short gasps, and his cheeks are a bright red, and he is gripping his pencil like a weapon.

“Are you sure you’re okay mate, you’re too pretty to be looking so upset” Louis whispers to him.

The boy stiffens, and if it’s even possible, turns a deeper shade of red. 

“I’m not like you”

_ Huh. _ When Louis doesn’t say anything the boy continues.

“I’m not  _ gay _ ” He breathes, as if it’s a bad word, and proceeds to turn his entire body away from Louis. 

_ Ok. What the fuck.  _ Why do all the pretty ones have to be straight assholes. Any concern he felt towards the kid vanishes, and he chooses to ignore the rude boy for the rest of class. Besides, he needs all the psychology practice he can get.

As soon as class is over the boy hastily drops his notebook in his bag, and shoves past Louis. He hurries out of the lecture hall, stumbling a little as he goes, cheeks as flushed as ever. It’s hard not to feel a little bad for the freshman, even if he was mean. Louis grabs his shit and strolls out of the classroom, meeting up with Zayn, his other flatmate right outside the door. 

~~

The boy with the blue eyes said he was pretty. Louis, the raven haired boy called him.  _ Louis Louis Louis.  _ Louis with the pretty blue eyes called him  _ pretty.  _ He called him pretty. Harry isn’t pretty.  _ Why would Louis call you pretty.  _ It doesn’t make any sense.  _ He saw how anxious you were. Everyone saw. He pities you.  _ Of course. Louis had lied to Harry just to make him feel better and what had Harry done. Gone and insulted him. He could see the look on the boys face when he’d said it. Harry is such an idiot, he obviously wasn’t flirting.  _ He knows your not gay _ ,  _ he was just being nice. Why on earth would he flirt with someone so ugly. Now Louis hates you. Everyone hates you. _

Harry rushes back to his dorm and slams the door. Thank god Liam isn’t here. The lad is so nice. Despite how annoying Harry knows he is, Liam has put up with him for almost three weeks. Harry feels bad, if Liam knew what a freak he was, he’d already have filed for a room change.

But Harry’s already in their attached bathroom. Fumbling through his toiletries until his fingers find the clear plastic attached to the cool metal. Already breathing easier, he collapses onto the floor, leaning against the counter gripping the plastic like it’s a lifeline. He presses the small razor to his wrist, already bracing himself for the pain. He’ll never get used to this, no matter how many times he does it.  _ Idiot. Stupid fat ugly coward just do it already.  _ So he does.

The second he presses down and begins to drag he feels the release. Over and over again. Six three inch cuts going down his wrist. He watches the white lines as they slowly turn red, tiny droplets of blood seeping out the cracks. He knows that they’ll be scabbed by tomorrow, barely even real cuts. Suddenly, the tears are mixing with blood and dripping down his arm. He grabs his stash of tissues and bandaids, dressing each wound with care. 

_ You're such a coward. You can’t even fucking do this right. Stop being an idiot and get the real razors, not the ones from CVS.  _ And he knows, Harry knows he is such a failure. The blood has dried and the tears have stopped, and he calmly puts away his bag of stuff, and walks back into his room. 

~~

Louis won't lie, the boy from the lecture, has taken up more of his thoughts then he cares to admit. For some reason he can’t get his gorgeous green eyes out of his head, and it's eating away at him little, because the boy made it abundantly clear that he would never be interested in Louis that way. Oh well, he was a bit of an arse anyway.

But of course, Monday comes around, and he takes his now-assigned seat next to the boy, who is glaring at his blank notebook in an attempt to pretend Louis isn’t there.  _ Oh well _ . Louis decides there is no point in dwelling on it, and focuses his attention on the professor. Or, at least he tries to. The boy sitting next to is fidgeting, pulling on each of his fingers in a patterned fashion, and his cheeks have remained a deep red for the whole lesson. It’s actually painful to watch. 

“Listen, mate, do mind sitting still a little. It’s kinda distracting”, he says, flashing the boy a small smile.

Except for instead of smiling back, the boy looks up at Louis like he just killed his dog, flinching when their eyes meet.  _ Okay. Fuck you too mister pretty eyes. _

“Are you like, homophobic or something?” He asks sharply, remembering the boy's comment from last week. “Cause if you are, I wanna know fast so I can ask the professor to move.”

“N-no of  _ course  _ not. I could never.” The small boy stutters out, eyes wide in a way that makes Louis heart twinge. “Idiot” he hears the boy mutter to himself.

“Oh. Ok...um”, Louis is surprised. If it wasn’t his gayness that was bothering the boy, what the hell was he so freaked out for. “Um, are you okay then?”

“I’m good” The boy says, his ever persistent flush now having taken over his neck. He smiles at Louis, and now they’re both out of breath because lord have mercy,  _ dimples.  _ Louis might as well be dead.

“I’m Louis, by the way mate, and you are?” He says leaning in towards the boy, who is slowly becoming calmer, his face returning to a normal shade.

“Harry”


	3. Alone

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> !TW! Light Disordered Eating

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey guys, this chapter took a while and im sorry. i wrote this in like two days, but spread a week apart so yeah. this is my first time writing fiction EVER so it  
> may take a while to develop a flow per say, but it will happen:)
> 
> also side note- harry is NOT hearing voices. the italicised (uh i hope i spelled that right) words, are kinda like his brain talking to him. its hard to explain but when your in a mental state like harry is in this fic. you logically know one thing, ie: you are not overweight, being gay is not a bad thing, but there's a little voice in your head saying "no. your worthless. you deserve this. your fat. your ugly." and over time that voice takes over your logical thought process until its all you believe. so yeah, a little look into harry psyche.

Harry felt calmer than he had all week as he walked down the hallway, approaching his dorm. He stopped at the door, pausing to get his keys out when he heard an exasperated groan from the inside.  _ That's weird.  _ His key is halfway into the lock when he hears who he can now identify as Liam again.

“I know babe, but it’s been a month, how shy can someone be?”

Harry hears an indiscernible voice come out of what he assumes is a phone. He feels awkward just standing there listening to Liams conversation, but it would be so much worse to go in and have to talk to him. Liam was not supposed to be home right now.

“Sophia, I’m telling you something's off.”

More murmuring came from inside, and Harry really should walk away, but he felt frozen in place.

“No, Soph listen to me. It’s not because he’s an arsehole or something. He was super nice the first day, almost too nice. The bloke was already unpacked and still offered to switch beds with me if I wanted. The poor kid gets up forty minutes early just to avoid seeing me in the morning. There’s something really odd about him.”

That was it. Harry was walking away. He turned and speed walked down the dorm corridor.  _ Shit shit shit. SHIT.  _ Liam obviously thought he was some kind of freak, and he hadn’t even met him yet. The pathetic high he was riding from his short conversation with Louis was gone, replaced with a black whole in between his ribs, slowly tightening and tightening. He took out his phone and somewhat shakily dialed his sister's number. He waited with baited breath until he heard the click.

“‘Hi? Gems?”

“Hey Hazza, you okay? What are you doing up this late”

“Im fine Gems, was just feeling a little anxious s’all”

“Im sorry Haz. Has it been getting any better since you’ve been at Uni?”

“Yeah, kinda.” Harry lied.

“You know you’ve always been a shit liar Haz. Is the medicine not working?”

“I don’t know Gemma, I don’t think it's ‘posed to have started doing anything yet anyway. I’m sorry for calling you, it was stupid. Everyone here just makes me so damn nervous.”

“Your not stupid Harry, and you’re allowed to be nervous, you have anxiety. Stop apologizing for something you can’t control.”

“Sorr- I mean, shit, uh thanks Gems. You're the best. I miss you, tell mum I miss her okay?”

Okay Haz, feel better.”

Gemma always knew exactly how to make Harry feel better. She always asked him if he was feeling better or not, but never reacted if he said no. He never had to anticipate the switch in her voice from excited to sympathetic, never had to brace himself for seeing the pity in her eyes. Harry fucking hated pity. Gemma never pitied him.  _ She might. If she knew it wasn’t just anxiety she would feel so bad for you, the freak who happened to be her brother.  _ No, no, no. Harry thought to himself. That was why he liked Gemma, she didn’t pity him. Let’s be honest, he loved her to death, but if Harry called his mum in the middle of an anxiety attack he would have had to listen the happiness drop out of her voice, imagining the way her face would fall, not unfamiliar to him, considering his continuous fucking up.

He checked his phone, and around 20 minutes had elapsed since he’d stumbled upon Liam in their room. He obviously couldn’t go back, since there was a good chance that Liam was still awake, considering it was only half nine. So he made the decision to head to the campus cafe. Liam usually spent Fridays at his girlfriends, so Harry wasn’t sure if he’d be asleep soon for an early class. 

The streets were bustling with drunk college students, and Harry kept his head down as he plowed through the college town. That is until he heard.

“Zayn! Hey Zayn!”

Harry recognized that voice. As soon as Louis recognized he had caught Harry's attention, he began frantically waving him over.

“Zayn check it out! It’s the curly boy. The one I was telling you about from class. Hey curly come here!”

Harry made his way over to Louis and his friend. He and Harry hadn’t gone past introductions, but Louis was practically vibrating with excitement as Harry shyly made his way over to the boys.

“See Zayn I told you, look how pretty his hair is!” He said, grabbing one of Harry’s curls and tugging.

Harry flinched, while Louis looked down and his eyes flashed with something that looked a lot like fondness. Harry followed his gaze and immediately tensed. Shit. Louis' eyes were locked on his hands, each fingernail painted a sunflower yellow with a cute smiley face in the middle. Or at least he thought they were cute. Now all Harry wanted to do was lock himself in a bathroom and scrub at the polish until his fingers were raw.

_ Here it comes. The insults. How could you be so stupid to let people see you doing something so girly. Louis no less. Now he definitely knows you’re a freak.  _

“Sorry, um, I know that weird and I shoul-“

He was cut off by a soft coo coming from Louis.

“Curly boy with pretty nails is what you are, Harold. Like a princess” 

That got a snort from Zayn, and a furious blush from Harry.

“Listen Harry, it was nice meeting you, but I’ve got to get this one home before he throws up the last hour on the side of the road. And don’t give him a hard time next week, because i'm sure he’ll be mortified” Zayn said, giving Harry a small smile. 

Harry nodded as nonchalantly as he could, “Y-yeah sure mate, it was nice talking to you. See you around” he said casually, but his heart was pumping furiously.

Zayn gave him a swift nod, and then led away a swaying Louis.

What the fuck was wrong with him. He hadn’t been this bad in months. Something about being around the blue-eyed boy made him feel like his skin was about to eat him alive with nerves. Why did the small boy make him so nervous.

_ That’s what happens when you're a freak you know. _

Harry blocked it out, and made his way to the cafe on semi-shaky legs.

~~

Louis was floaty. Very, very floaty. Drunk on the six shots from earlier, and high off of the blurry conversation he had with the curly boy. Harry was his name. Harry had told Louis his name because he is such a nice boy. A very, very pretty curly boy named Harry. Harry was straight. Louis frowned.

“Zayn?”

“Yes babe?” His friend responded, a slightly amused expression on his face. His very pretty face. Not as pretty as curly.

“It’s not fair Zayn. No offense Zayn, but you’re not as pretty as Harry. So why are you gay and Harry isn’t. Zayn can you and Harry switch please?”

Zayn chuckled. “It’s okay Lou. How do you you know Harry isn’t gay?”

“Because” he whined “He told me. I thought he was homo- homophobia? But really he was just straight!” He says, pouting as much as humanly possible, flopping against Zayn.

“It’ll be okay Lou, let’s get you home now”

~~

Harry arrives at the cafe less than ten minutes later, but because of his interruption, it’s already 10 o’clock. The bell above the door startles the silence that came from being blocks away from any sort of pub. He realizes that though this cafe stays open until midnight, he is the only one in the store, meaning he’ll have to buy something.

“Hey mate, can I get you anything.” The blond at the counter says. Niall, his name tag reads. “Coffee, tea, a muffin?”

“A muffin sounds good”  _ Wrong.  _ “Uh, actually, can I get tea? With the bag on the side please? Thank you?”

“Coming right up mate!” 

He gets his tea less than two minutes after he orders, and sits down at one of the booths in the back of the cafe. He slides his teabag off the plate and behind a salt shaker, hoping the barista isn’t watching him. He’s getting too creative, too obsessive in order to think of ordering tea without the tea bag. He sits there drinking his lukewarm water, waiting for it to be late enough to go home.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> pls comment opinion or feedback bc i need some motivation in my life ty the comments make my day


End file.
